"This Is Us" Makes Me Relive my Dad's Funeral

(Photo Cred: People.com)

Unlike the majority of the United States of America, I have not finished watching the second season of "This Is Us" - you know the show that makes you weep almost every episode.  I don't think I'm spoiling it for anybody when I say that Jack dies and there have been lots of flashbacks to his funeral and how his kids and wife coped.

I grab the tissue box every time because I just buried my biological father less than 2 years ago.  He was no Jack Pearson and we were not close.  But he was my dad.  And I wish we were better than we were when he past.  There was just too much baggage for me to try to fix things on my own and he wasn't interested in fixing things.  So we did this dance where he would call every couple of months and ask how I was doing.  I would answer politely and try to give him some insight into my life and no matter what I said he would always end the conversation with, "Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later."  And each time I would be left feeling like a puppy at an animal shelter.

"I got a new job"

"Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later"

"I got married"

"Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later."

"Mom is sick"

"Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later."

"I miscarried my baby"

"Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later."


and our last conversation:

Me: "We'll be back from Austin in a week and then I'll come visit you."
Dad: "Okay, well I love you, I'll talk to you later."

Except the next time I saw his name on my phone it was my aunt calling to say he had died.

We probably would have never moved past this polite/superficial dance we did.  I didn't know how to demand him to be a better father and to be honest I didn't know how to be a "good" daughter because I just had so much I was mad about.  I tried though.  And he tried.

And our trying landed me at a Catholic church, carrying his photo in front of his casket and giving his eulogy because his first born son wanted nothing to do with him.  So the burden fell upon me.  But I still had to deal with all his relatives asking where his son was.  It was like, GEEZ PEOPLE, can I NOT be a second class family member for ONE DAY??!?!!

Anyhow, I remember staring at his body in the casket and not recognizing him at all.  I remember not knowing more than 3 people at his wake because he had never introduced me to most of his family.  I saw his baby pictures for the first time at his funeral.  I remember sobbing because everything was so final.  We were never going to be closer.  He would never really get to know my son.  All my childhood hurts were going to be what they were, there was now no chance for restoration.

And I remember having to be the one to push his cremation button - again - in a room full of people that I was related to but, didn't know.

Then it was over and I haven't thought of it much. Except,  I'm watching "This Is Us".  And somehow, it's helping me process and heal a little bit - one episode and tissue box at a time.  I would love to send a box of chocolates to the writer's room because "This Is Us" is so much more than amazing entertainment.